why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
