Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
