Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
