then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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