sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
