Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
