I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
