Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
