so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
