ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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