i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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