Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
