I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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