I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
