Michael Bay diarrhea
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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