Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
