i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
