my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
