Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
