My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
