Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You've changed since you got that strap on
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
