I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
