Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
foreskin is a definite game changer
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
