Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
