Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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