i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
