In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
