i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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