I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
