I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
