i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize