i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
