I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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