I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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