If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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