Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
