Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just high enough for therapy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
