The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
