Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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