I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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