i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize