sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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