Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
