Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
