If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
