I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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