my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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