im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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