i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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