Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
