my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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