He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
