I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
