i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
