he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize