i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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