that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
