remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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