I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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