My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
