I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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