That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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